just thinking...

this little guy in my life...he's so handsome and funny. sometimes it's like he's a man...then i turn around and i see a little boy once more..oh how i love him. he's such a joy to be with...everyday we learn from each other, find things to laugh at..life is so much brighter with him. and to think it took quite a while for him to come into or lives...then there was that horrible event...i thought i was gonna lose him then..but always, Somebody up there loves me...so now i have this little guy with me...so intelligent and observant. a lot of times you'd be surprised at the depthness of his observations and comments; and yes, the maturity that he shows is amazing...i so look forward to seeing him go on with his life of adventure, challenges, victories...i'm sure he can do so much...my life is truly richer with him...

how do you cope with long days and even longer nights..yes, i feel so lonely and hurt. so this is what they mean "to be lonely in a crowd"...he keeps on rejecting my calls. almost 2 decades married...yes, a tumultous relationship...now he's away, so far away, and so unforgiving...i know i am to blame for the outburst that fateful sunday afternoon..just a couple of days before he left. but its difficult to explain that the outburst was a cry of fear and for help...the fear of letting him go so far for so long...and help on how to cope..back when i was much younger, i dreamed of one day having my own family...i dreamed of having my partner beside me always... material wealth, luxury, the excesses of this world, they are not in my list of desires...adequacy, harmony, presence...those are what matter. so ironic, from such simple desires rose a most ferocious monster of a relationship..is this really the end? there are moments when i just want to go on letting him hurt me...and wait for the time when i will simply go numb from the pain...then it won't matter anymore whether he leaves or stays, right?...

suddenly, i'm lost for words...do i go on with this blog thing?...